You Hate Your Pulse Because It Thinks You're Still Alive
by The World's Biggest Fangirl
Summary: Aradia Megido is a vampire who uses a traveling circus as means to access prey. But when she accidentally falls in love with the man she had intended to kill, she's not quite sure what to do. AraSol Christmas gift for the lovely toukofukawva of tumblr, and my first fanfiction posted on here in over a year. Oops!


**Please read: This fanfic contains allusions to Aradia wanting to die. ** I am so sorry for this being my first post in over a year. Since then, I have only written three things. I have had awful writer's block. And, this is the only one I feel any confidence in. So yeah ^^; Hopefully my writing skills will come back and I will post more often!

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Aradia Megido- ram wrestler by day, vampire by night- slipped into the train car's small and dirty bathroom in order to apply the makeup she wore for every one of her performances. Digging into the leather satchel that hung at her hip, she procured various containers of bright makeup and a brush. She dipped the tip of the bristles into her eyeshadow, marveling at just how in-your-face the color would be once she slapped it onto her yellow skin. It was theatrical makeup, after all, supposed to make her stand out from the bright lights that shone overhead. It made her feel uncomfortably fake; it wasn't as if her entire life wasn't a huge lie, though. She sighed and shook herself out; she had to focus. Applying the deep vermillion powder on her brush to her eyelids, Aradia squinted at her reflection in the cracked mirror. Each little stroke she saw was inhuman in its precision. The red looked like the blood she pretended to not spill with her own bare hands. It stood out in sharp contrast with her nearly black hair. Each little fracture in the grimy glass only added to the image of deception she saw in front of her. Once she finished, she put away her supplies and sighed more. Excited was not the term she would use to describe her feelings on what was to come in the next ten minutes or so. Being a circus performer was more of a cover-up than an actual interest. She'd needed a profession that kept her moving from place to place, and her supernatural athletic abilities made her overly-qualified for virtually any position offered to her by a ringleader.

A loud knock sounded on the rotting wood door, and a dreadful, familiar voice whined, "Arisa! The show starts in five. Hurry up, you skank." Ah yes. Arisa. Aradia had never told a single person her real name for . And she changed the fake name every twenty years, when she would leave the circus she was with at the time and find a new one to join in a far-off country. Currently, she was Arisa, traveling throughout the Baltics with the Scratch Circus Co. It was freezing cold almost year-round, and her Japanese ethnicity made her stick out like a sore thumb, but prey was easy to snag in a land where almost everyone had already given up on a good life. Aradia opened the door and stepped out, knocking Vriska, the girl who had been yelling at her moments before, onto her butt. "What the hell was that for?" screeched Vriska in a tone of voice that anyone would contribute to the largest bitch the world had ever seen.

Vriska ran a bejeweled, bony hand through her blue-dyed hair before standing up. She was the circus's hypnotist, and never went anywhere without her eight pet spiders crawling up and down her bare arm. Aradia's least favorite was a very, very hairy tarantula named Marquise Spinneret. Marquis had a really bad habit of crawling all over her the night following any argument she had with Vriska- meaning at least four times a week. Before Vriska could say anything more, Aradia took off down the hall and out of the train car's rusted door. Once she had made it into the snow, Aradia stopped to examine the big top in front of her. The red-and-white striped fabric was old but well cared for, with patches of all kinds of patterns covering it like bandages on an overly-adventurous child. Paper-maché Chinese lanterns shone warm yellow light on the faces of children and their parents as they slipped inside. The sound of Calliope music filled the circus and undoubtedly the surrounding area, and Aradia couldn't help but hum along as she headed for the back flap where all the circus performers entered.

She lifted up the heavy burlap and slid into the small huddle of performers, ignoring Vriska when she came in several seconds later. The owner and ringmaster, who went by the name of Doctor Scratch, stood a little bit off to the side. The drums that signaled his entrance sounded after less than a minute after Aradia's arrival, and he stepped out to the sound of booming applause. In her mind's eye, he could see him bowing, his white top hat nearly sliding off his bleach-blonde hair. His imposing voice cried out for the first act; the trapeze artists.

There was a while before it was her turn, so Aradia decided to plan for her bimonthly hunt, which she hoped would happen tonight. She'd never been in this particular village, but there had to be some poor sap no one would miss too much, right? Prey was easy to find in alleys; she should hide in one and take the first person who came down it. Perfect. She was shaken out of her thoughts by Vriska, who hissed, "You're on deck", before shoving her towards the entrance.

After a minute or two, Doctor Scratch's voice reached her ears, saying, "And now, the ram wrestler1" It was her turn. She stepped out into the ring, the air filling with voices making fun of her, voices doubtful that such a tiny girl could wrestle a ram. But Aradia was used to it. Once she reached a spot on the wooden floor marked with a white chalk "X", the ram was released into the ring. She stepped forwards, and she met her opponent in the middle. She threw herself onto the ram and pinned it down, making it unable to move in less than ten seconds. The crowd sat in stupefied silence for a few moments before erupting into loud whoops, hollers, and applause. Aradia curtsied, having to suprress the smile beginning to cross her lips for hear of someone spotting her permanently bloodstained fangs. As soon as the applause faded, she gracefully exited the ring and retired to the edge of the huddle of performers, anticipating night fall.

Snow and ice crunched under Aradia's boots, not all that unlike the sound of snapping necks. She pictured the delicious blood that would flow from such an injury, and her stomach growled. Time for a meal.

Aradia slipped into a dark alleyway and hid behind a heap of rotting food, waiting for someone to round the corner and walk into her trap. The full moon above was the only light, and it caused the snow to sparkle. Soon, she heard the sound of footsteps entering. She leapt up from her crawling position and prepared to lunge forward, not unlike a wild cat. Her intended prey turned to look at her as she was about to leap… and her heart jumped into her throat, causing her to miss and land in the pile of garbage.

In front of her was what Aradia could only guess was an angel. Tall, lanky, with bleach blonde locks tinted with the honey of the gods on Mount Olympus. A pair of beautifully mismatched eyes- right one blue, left one a reddish brown- hidden behind a pair of spectacles. An understanding smile, a perfectly formed hand reaching forward to offer her help up. As soon as she stood on her feet, he brushed her coat off. "Are you alright?" he asked. His voice had the cutest little lisp, and his eyes shone with concern. Aradia nodded quickly. "I'm Sollux. What's your name?" He ran his fingers through her hair, pulling out gunk. The far too slow pace was a telltale sign that he was just as attracted to her as she was to him. This realization caused her heart to beat faster.

"A-Aradia!" she blurted out before she could stop herself. The only people besides Sollux she had ever told her real name had been dead for over a century. Why had she done that? Falling for her intended prey was the last thing she needed.

"Aradia? That's a pretty name", he commented as he removed his fingers from her hair, looking as if he regretted it immensely right after. "It fits your face perfectly." A faint blush crossed her cheeks. Sollux smiled. Just then, her stomach grumbled. "Hungry?" he asked.

"Yes…. I haven't eaten yet." She felt so embarrassed. Not only had he seen her trip, but she now probably stank to high heaven.

"Want to get something to eat with me? My treat, of course."

"You don't have to pay for me…." Judging by the coat he wore, Sollux made even less money than she did, which was really saying something. She'd feel horrible if he bought her food, especially since human food was essentially empty air to a vampire.

"No, no, let me. Don't worry, I can afford it." He grasped her hand in his. Aradia's heart pounded. Was this really happening? She knew that she'd regret it later, that he'd die before her, or even worse, she'd kill him in a crazed bloodlust. But now, all she really wanted was him.

"Alright. Thank you, Sollux. You're being very nice to me."

"I'm usually a douchebag." He offered her his arm with a chuckle. She happily hooked her limb into his. "I've gotten the shit beaten out of me plenty of times for it, too."

"You can't be a douchebag…." interjected Aradia as the two began to walk towards a nearby pub.

"Oh, yes. I can be. You've only known me for a minute or two. Soon you'll see what I mean. Maybe you won't want a thing to do with me. You probably won't. So I might as well enjoy the company of a gem such as yourself while it lasts." He smiled wearily as he opened the grimy door for her. Aradia slipped into the dark, cigar-reeking pit of a pub, their arms coming apart for a few moments. As soon as she realized that she was no longer holding onto him, she felt a deep pang of longing. She sat herself at a booth a barely-noticed and barely-acknowledged waitress lead her to..

Sollux could have chosen to sit across from her, but he chose to sit next to her on the same bench instead. There was barely enough room for the two of them, and their legs and shoulders touching. Normally, Aradia would have felt claustrophobic, but for some reason, the fact that it was Sollux who was pressing her against the wall just made her feel cozy. Curse him for being so kind and gorgeous and persistent. Having a crush on him couldn't be helped at all.

"What are you doing in Estonia? I really don't mean to sound rude, but there aren't usually many visitors of your ethnicity here", he asked, his mismatched eyes boring deep into hers. Her heart began to pound.

"Oh, it's not rude at all! I wanted to travel, so I left Japan as soon as I could and joined a traveling circus. I've been all over the world." Aradia pulled off her gloves and tucked them into her coat pocket before removing her coat as well. Sollux was very warm, especially when compared to icy vampire flesh.

"You're in a traveling circus? What do you do in it?" he asked with interest. One of his toasty hands gripped onto hers gently.

"Wrestle rams…" She stared at the floor in embarrassment. Aradia had never realized how lame her occupation was until just now.

"Really? You're such a tiny girl, so I wasn't expecting an answer like that. That's amazing." The waitress came back just then, and Sollux quickly ordered them two bowls of soup before continuing. "You're so interesting."

Black eyes slowly looked up from the floor, taking in a booth covered in silverware holes, a skinny chest, pale skin, the most kissable lips Aradia had ever laid eyes upon, and finally, those mismatched eyes that held such warmth and understanding in them. "What do you do for a living?" she asked curiously.

"I haul boxes on and off freight trains. Exciting, I know", Sollux replied. "Now… Do you have any hobbies?"

"I like studying about death", she replied. "Funeral and burial customs from all over the world, the way bodies decay, ways to kill people…" It had always been an interest of hers, but it had reached a near-obsession status ever since she had grown sick of living. She read for hours on end, just hoping someone would come and shove a stake in her heart so that it would all be over and done with.

He blinked a few times. "Just when I thought you couldn't get any more interesting…."

Before Aradia could respond, the waitress set down their bowls of soup. "Eat up." He may have said so in a commanding tone, but it was the kind of commanding tone that expressed loving concern. She felt her heart pound harder as she complied.

They ate mostly in silence, occasionally engaging in small talk. Neither of them seemed to mind the silent moments, taking comfort in the fact that the other was in close proximity. Yet her bloodlust began gnawing more and more at her, until finally, when she and Sollux were walking together back to the circus, she was scarcely in control of herself.

He turned his head mid-sentence to look at something, exposing his bare neck. She found herself kissing it, not as a sign of affection, but to test what part of it would be easiest to bite. Red stretched across Sollux's face, reaching the tips of his ears. "A-Aradia, what are you doi-" He felt a pair of sharp fangs brushing against his skin in preparation to sink into his flesh, and stopped mid sentence. Backing away from her, Sollux stared at her in shock. Blood-stained fangs hung over her parted lips as Aradia froze, trying to process what she had just done.

"Oh… Oh my god… I am so sorry, Sollux. I'd never purposefully hurt you", Aradia said in a hushed whisper after a while. She hid her teeth as he slowly reached out to stroke her cheek. She recoiled from his touch. "I-I'm going to hurt you. I think it's best if we don't see each other anymore.

"Aradia, I don't care that you're a vampire…" said Sollux as she began to walk backwards. "I really like you, you're sweet and intriguing and gorgeous. Will you go out with me?"

Aradia just kept on walking backward, cursing the silent tears that dripped down her cheeks as she shook her head. "I'd love to, oh god, I'd love to. Please don't tempt me. It won't work. I'll kill you. I have to leave town in a month, and I probably will never return. Forget me, alright? Please? Goodbye." She spun around and ran, ran faster than she'd ever run in her life. Snow splashed underfoot, staining her clothes. But she didn't even care. A sickly old man lay in a gutter, and Aradia found herself snapping his neck with her bare hands, taking out her frustration on him. She fed quickly and sloppily, blood splattering all over her dress and the snow around her. Once she'd finished, she left the body to rot and ran just as fast as she had before. Once she returned to the circus, she laid in her bed and pretended to sleep. Lying in bed, she really wished that someone would come and shove a stake in her, more than she had in years.

A month passed since she had told Sollux off, yet every single night, she could see him sitting in the audience of the circus. His eyes were always on her, and she would watch him watch her, a sickening feeling rising in her gut every time. For the first few weeks or so, she was able to force herself to ignore it. After a while though, she found herself staring back at him the entire time, causing her to mess up in one way or another. The night before her last performance, Vriska noticed and tracked Sollux down after the show to yell at him. Aradia really wanted to help him, but she couldn't. So she just walked past. She could feel his beautiful mismatched eyes on her back with a pleading gaze. That night, she found herself crying a bit, missing him more than she had before.

Finally, it was the circus's last night in the village. Aradia exhaled in relief. The heartbreak would soon be over. She entered the ring, a lot less anxious than normal. Sure enough, Sollux was in the crowd, but she was able to ignore him for the first time in weeks. The ram was wrestled in ten seconds, just like she used to be able to do. Once she was backstage again, she felt…. Happy. She was all ready to forget him and move on with her life. After the show, she grabbed a cup of cocoa and leaned against the train, watching the crowd of children and their parents leave.

"Aradia!" came the call of a familiar voice. She caught sight of Sollux running towards her, and her heart stopped.

"I told you to stay away from me!" she cried, feigning anger. However, she was in actuality on the bridge of tears and it showed.

He stopped in front of her and grabbed her hands in his. "I can't stop thinking about you. I know you feel the same. Can't you accept my feelings? Turn me, take me with you. Even if we don't work out, it'll be more interesting to be a vampire than to be a manual laborer in a village! I've already sold everything I own."

She stared at him in shock., yelling "You're crazy!"

"I know I'm crazy."

"Giving up everything you have for… me." Aradia's voice softened for a few seconds, but she caught herself. "You're going to want to die in a while! You don't know how god damn lucky you are to be able to die, to not have to prey on innocent people! After a while being like this, you hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive! But you're dead on the inside." She looked at the ground.

He shook his head. "How could I want to die when I have you?" Leaning forwards, he began to kiss away the tears that slowly dripped down her face. 200 years of sorrow, the sorrow of watching her beloved family die, of having no friends… It all came pouring out of her and she sobbed. Sollux pulled her closer and rubbed her back until all the tears she could cry were gone. Once she had finished, she rubber her eyes before saying, "I'll turn you. Come with me."

He grinned as they walked together into her empty sleeping car. The coins he'd collected from selling all his possessions jingled with every step. Aradia sat him down in a chair before biting him as gently as possible. He bit his lip, the agonizing pain of turning into a vampire flowing through his body. "I'm sorry", she whispered, kissing his forehead. He smiled at her through his pain, grunting upon occasion. After about three minutes, the pain subdued and he stood up and tested his new vampire legs.

"Is it just me, or am I even paler than before?" he asked, staring down at his hand.

"You are", Aradia said. "That's normal, though."

"Thank you, darling."

"Darling?" Aradia raised her eyebrows.

Sollux flushed. "Don't people in relationships give each other nicknames?"

"They do", she said, running a few of her fingers through his bleach blonde hair. They mutually smiled at one another, and she couldn't help but note how clean his fangs were in comparison to hers.

"How long have you been a vampire?" he asked.

"…200 years", Aradia admitted.

"Going after a twenty year old…. You really are quite the cougar", he teased, chuckling when she blushed. He kissed her on the cheek. She rested her forehead on his, and their lips were getting closer and closer, and they were about to kiss, when the door flew open.

"Is this that boy who keeps staring at you?" demanded Vriska angrily. "It is, isn't it! Well, this is not the place to be shoving your tongue down a boy's throat, skank."

"This is my boyfriend, Sollux. He is going to be joining us." She spoke with a calm, unwavering voice, but her eyes betrayed her internal thoughts.

"Please don't make her your next victim", whispered Sollux.

Aradia laughed maniacally. "Too late, darling. She's already secured herself that spot."

"How?! You know that Doc can't afford any more rations, you bitch! I'm going to get kicked out for sure, and it will be all your fault! Then I'll have no choice to mind control you to your own demise. I made my ex-boyfriend walk off a cliff!" Vriska huffed.

"He can have half of my ration", retorted Aradia. "There's no need for you to get your prissy little pantaloons in a knot." She walked over to the door and pointed outside. "You are free to go now."

"Fine. Fuck yourself over. See what I care when you both starve to death." She stormed out.

Sollux turned to Aradia as soon as she was out of earshot and said, "On second thought, I think she really should be our next victim."

An excited glint crossed her eyes. He walked over and wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing a chaste kiss to her nose. She pulled him in for a more passionate kiss. A warm feeling ran through both of their stomachs as their lips pressed together. Sollux's chapped lips felt kind of strange against Aradia's perfectly soft ones, yet neither of them seemed to mind. At that moment, Aradia loved her pulse, because it reminded her that she really, truly was alive.


End file.
